The Disappearing “I”: When Women Lose Themselves in Love

In a recent therapy session, my therapist asked me a simple question I couldn't answer: "How would it feel to say I?" I couldn't.

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This solo episode is about a single moment in a couples therapy session — and the much bigger pattern that moment exposed. I'm calling it the disappearing I: what happens when women have lived so long inside the emotional weather of another person that they no longer have a neutral location to speak from. The first-person voice goes quiet. Sometimes for years.

In this episode I unpack:

• Why "selfish" is the word that flashes when we try to claim our own needs

• How IFS protector parts learn to keep us safe by keeping us tuned to other people

• The fawn response in polyvagal terms, and how anxious attachment treats merging as safety

• How the disappearing I leaks into business, client work, creative life, friendships, and the body

• The way back — treating the first-person voice as a muscle that has atrophied, not a moral failing

This is a quieter episode. Not a dramatic before-and-after, but the kind of inner work that slowly changes a life.

CHAPTERS

00:00 Today's vulnerable opening

01:00 "How would it feel to say I?"

02:00 Welcome to Pulling Threads — introducing the disappearing I

03:00 The neon word: selfish

05:00 Context — a partner in deep trauma work

07:00 "Can you locate yourself?"

08:00 Defining the disappearing I (this is not selflessness)

09:00 Where it comes from

10:00 IFS protector parts and childhood origins

12:00 Becoming the calm one for an exhausted parent

13:00 Polyvagal fawn and anxious attachment

15:00 Cultural conditioning and good-girl training

16:00 How the disappearing I leaks: business, pricing, client work

18:00 Career, creative life, friendships

19:00 How it leaks into the body and your sense of self

20:00 The way back (a Mother's Day reflection)

22:00 Practicing I with my own therapist

23:00 Treating the first-person voice as a muscle

24:00 A note on partners in active trauma work

26:00 Closing reflection and an invitation

CONNECT WITH LESLIE

Website → https://theloomlife.com

Therapy services → https://loomlifetherapy.com

Personal site → https://leslieellenmathews.com

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Email → leslie@theloomlife.com

WORK WITH LESLIE

THROUGH (8-week divorce coaching program) → https://theloomlife.com/throughdivorceprogram

1:1 coaching & therapy inquiries → https://theloomlife.com

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Keywords: people pleasing in relationships, fawn response, anxious attachment, internal family systems, IFS parts work, polyvagal theory, women's mental health, healing attachment wounds, losing yourself in a relationship, reclaiming your voice, therapy for people pleasers, mother's day reflection

#PullingThreadsPodcast #MentalHealthPodcast #PeoplePleasing #FawnResponse #IFSTherapy #AnxiousAttachment #WomensMentalHealth